A Light in the Dark

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Contributed by Avrum Dunsky

Bell Labs Prove Existence of Dark Suckers

(Reprinted from the Bell Labs Newsletter)

For years it has been believed that electric lights emit light. However, recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric light bulbs do not emit light; they suck dark. Thus they are now called dark-suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the existence of dark, that dark has a mass heavier than that of light, and that dark travels faster than light.

The basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark in the immediate area of the dark suckers than there is elsewhere in the room. The larger the dark sucker, the greater is its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that, after the first use, the wick turns black - representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip of the pencil will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.

Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range. There are fortunately, portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these cannot handle all of the dark by themselves, and require the use of additional storage units. When the storage unit, referred to by some as a battery, is full it must either be emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles represent a special hazard because the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a large amount of heat, which makes it inadvisable to touch an operating candle.

Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice that it slowly gets darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately 80 meters, you are in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the water and the lighter light floats to the top. The immense power of dark can be utilized to mankind's advantage. Dark which has settled to the bottom of lakes can be pushed through turbines to generate electricity. In this way, dark can be forced into the oceans where it can be safely stored.

Prior to the invention of the turbine, it was much more difficult to get dark from rivers and lakes to the oceans. Pioneers recognized this problem and tried to solve it. When on a river travelling in the same direction as the flow of dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark. When they travelled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly to help push the dark along its way.

Finally, it becomes clear that dark is faster than light. If you stand in an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, you notice that as you slowly open the closed door light slowly enters the closet. However the dark moves so quickly that you are not able to see the dark leave the closet.

Space is filled with dark. Stars are the largest known dark suckers. They are very powerful, and are able to suck most of the dark surrounding them into themselves.

There is so much dark in space, though, that stars can only suck up the dark that is closest to them. As new dark rushes in to replace the dark sucked up by the Sun, it hits the side of our planet faced away from the sun, piling up on that side, and creating night time. Luckily for us, the Sun is a strong enough dark sucker that it sucks all the dark off the side of the Earth turned toward it, creating daytime.

In conclusion, scientists from the Bell Labs have noted that dark suckers make our lives easier and more enjoyable. The next time you look at a light bulb remember that its function is actually that of a dark sucker.

George Hastings

StaReach BBS 1993/ 11/ 02